Local Election Results | Spitting Bullets

07 May 2008 @ 1:48 PM

London Election Special- Boris Gets Mayoral Erection!

‘Blond Bold Boris the Buffoon’ has won the Mayoral Electoral Contest of London Upon Thames, a small but heavily polluted village not too far south of Stevenage.

The UK breathed a sigh of relief when ‘Blond Bold Boris the Buffoon’ promised to ensure that all ‘London Upon Thamesers’ remain where they are for the foreseeable future by implementing a ‘No Talking’ strategy on the tube and encouraging crime through the introduction of a criminal justice measure called the Routemaster.

London Upon Thamesers will now be discouraged from buying up large parts of the UK where, for the past 12 years, they have been imparting Southern talk, especially across the South West, Midlands and the North. They’ve also been responsible for inflating house prices so that the local scrubbers there have had to pay more taxes, mostly to fund extra dustbin collections to remove the bottles from excessive champagne drinking, especially around the former Prime Minister’s constituency of Sedgefield, the home of ‘Champagne Socialism’.(Is this really true? - Ed).

Instead, because ‘Thamesers’ can look forward to a vast improvement to their village life, there may no longer be the need for them to continue invading the rest of the UK. Some ‘Thamesers’ have already hinted that they intend to remain in London and continue drinking their own recycled piss rather than pissing on the rest of us. They’ve also promised to be much ruder to each other, and much more often. The draw of a consistently violent, polluted and obnoxious atmosphere surrounded by the homeless (urgh! - Ed), is irresistible to ‘Thamesers’, and Boris, they believe, is the man who can make their village even greater!

‘Red Ken’, a former black cab driver (racist - Ed), said it was a great week for ‘Thamesers, innit, awright guv!’. That wasn’t all he said.

The rest of the UK said, and not for the first time, that they didn’t give a shit.