Spitting Bullets

Shit on the Box – BBC Watchdog Yet Again!

BBC Watchdog Shit

In tonight’s enlightening programme (BBC 1, 7.30pm), Sir Cliff Richard wrote a letter to BBC Watchdog advising people not to buy tickets for his live concerts from ‘rip-off merchants’ or non-approved ticket agents. As tempting as it might be to buy your ‘dream ticket’ he said (who the fuck is he kidding), just don’t do it.

The fact that there is a black market for Sir Cliff’s live performances is in itself astonishing, but not as astonishing as Watchdog’s invitation towards the end of tonight’s episode, in which the presenters encouraged us all to let the team know of anything that needs investigating.

Well, as it happens, I have something I’d like investigating, because it’s already causing quite a stink at home.

A Lighter Shade of Pale

This morning, I did an enormous shit which wasn’t as brown as the one I did yesterday morning. What I want to know is, why is this?

Is it a cruel trick of nature? Highly unlikely, especially if one is an avid fan of Watchdog. Which I’m not.

However, if one does succomb to this slice of so called ‘consumer affairs’ programming, then it’s more than likely that one’s insipid plop is connected to the way in which one has apparently been ‘tricked’ out of two-and-a-half pence by the dark forces of corporate marketers after failing to pass on the recent cut in VAT to the consumer (a cut which, if we’re going to be perfectly honest, is the shittest attempt at saving the UK’s economy we’ve had to contend with so far – right up there with the introduction of perimeter fencing as a means of preventing football hooliganism in the late 1980s – and we all know how that ‘ingenious’ idea turned out – fucking idiots).

Or is it simply that shit changes colour on a daily basis. I don’t know, but it’s definately worth a half hour ‘investigation’ by someone who used to present, erm, Top of the Plops (Nicky Campbell – ha ha ha).

Special Delivery

Anyway, there’s only one way to find out about my oddly coloured poo, which is why I’ve just placed my aforementioned turd in a plastic food box using the kitchen tongs, popped it into a Jiffy bag, and will be making my way to the local Post Office tomorrow – to send it ‘Special Delivery’ to the BBC’s team of consumer rights heroes (I use the word ‘heroes’ in its loosest sense – so loose in fact that ‘pricks’ might be another word one could substitute in its place).

If anybody else is concerned about the shade of their shit, then I urge them to send the offending item to:

BBC Watchdog
MCG A6
Media Centre
Wood Lane
London
W12 7TG

Alternatively, you can submit your shit turd complaint online to the eloquently named ‘Got a Story’ section of the BBC Watchdog website, where the laziest investigative journalistic team on earth will gladly spin your brown sloppy mess into something even less interesting for next week’s episode.

Tune in to BBC Watchdog next Monday evening, the 16th March at 7.30pm, to find out what happens to your shit.

Remember to wash your hands afterwards.